Additional Dialogue Recording
I was thinking today of when I went to California years and years ago for the independent movie I starred in. I had to do additional dialogue recording in order to sync up and improve some of the lines I said in the movie. California is really nice, I actually like it quite a bit, and of course, I kinda felt like a movie star. It’s kind of neat being a movie star.
Right now I’m in the mountains visiting my childhood home and parents for a while (until Tuesday). This is partly because a visit is due, but mostly because Maus is visiting his parents in Houston while they are up at the Anderson Center for a cance check-up. I have trouble being all by myself in the apartment for long periods of time. with the knowledge that Maus isn’t coming home anytime soon. I mean, I can do it now (I used to not be able to do it at all) but it can be a bit challenging.
I realized when they changed my official diagnosis to Borderline Personality Disorder and I read up on it some, that apparently this is a very common symptom for the condition. That being, separations, even small ones, can have a huge effect on the individual that is not in line with the actual nature of the separation. So, having your significant other missing for a week can be stressing in this way. Captain asked if I had ‘abandonment issues’ and I kind of laughed and said, “No, not exactly.”
I don’t think it’s abandonment issues necessarily. It’s not that I think Maus is never going to come back, or that something will happen to him. I think it’s a security thing. I’m pretty much with Maus every minute that it’s possible, as in when he’s not at work or at a rehearsal (and even then). It’s been this way from day one of the relationship, partly because for a long time I had to drive him everywhere cause he couldn’t legally drive yet. Just like I watch the Golden Girls a little bit every day, or often use an inhaler before going to bed, it’s a sort of habit in a way.
I’ve always had some kind of security ‘object’ in my life, now that I think about it. Pretty much as soon as sixth grade started, and all the county elementaries combined into one school (so there were lots of new kids), I started wearing a jacket every single day. That was my security, in a way it helped shield me from the world. This continued pretty much until I graduated, and even then into college some I wore the same. The jackets changed over time, until they reached their crescendo: a black duster made out of some kind of leather/canvas material. It smelled! I took it out one day at Bull Run after I hadn’t worn it for a long time, and jesus, it smelled! I was a little surprised. I mean we washed it down with a hose a couple times, but I had no idea.
When I was younger I had Puppy. Puppy was my “pound puppy” (a stuffed toy from that old animated show in the 80’s), and I slept with him and took him everywhere I went (as in like a vacation) to make sure I had him to sleep. I remember even thinking, when I was eight, that if our house caught on fire, I’d make sure to get Puppy out to safety because he was that important to my psychological well being.
There were various other things, but all in all, I believe it was all about security. Well, after I tried to eat peanut butter and got in a big fight with my blood brother when I was living with him in Lafayette, I stopped wearing the jackets at all. (Later I had to be separated from my duster, but that was much later.)
I think that Maus and I being together constantly, and I mean constantly, was part of the natural consequences of my disturbance. Maus in a way has become a bit of a security with me, and when he’s not around it’s unnerving. I mean, I love him and miss him and everything, like a normal person does, thank god, but at the same time when he’s not around it’s not that I miss him, it’s that I’m unnerved.
So, that’s why I go to Handyville (my childhood home) when Maus is gone. Unfortunately, I can’t stay the whole week, and have to go back on Tuesday. Then I’ll be alone in Fort Collins in our apartment for four or five days. I’ve done this before, so I know it’s possible. When I was really sick, when I was really having a hard time, this was impossible. I couldn’t exist in my apartment at Ram’s Crossing for fifteen minutes without someone there.
Last time this happened, I worked on my algorithm/invention so it wasn’t a huge deal. At the same time, I hadn’t just changed my medication or gone through a bit of a rough patch. I wrote about the rough patch earlier, but I think I’m doing better now. I anticipate that I’m mostly going to be going to Starbucks and reading/working on stuff for most of all the days he’s gone, which is fine by me.
While I’m here I want to get lots and lots of pictures (my camera can currently hold about 7000 pictures), so that I can use them in my art. Unfortunately, the weather has been poor and I havent’ been able to quite get out and do that. I brought my camera though, so tomorrow hopefully in the morning I’ll get some excellent pictures walking around town.
Yesterday I was my mother’s store almost all day, where I folded some fabric called “fat quarters”. I met a few people, including this one woman who I found interesting, and likewise, she told me she found me ‘fascinating’. She asked what my IQ was, and I said I didn’t really know. I never really thought about it, but my mother told her that we believed my IQ was over 160. I wasn’t surprised, but it was just a touch embarrassing.
However, through our conversation she said I was fascinating, as I wrote. Sometimes I forget that my life is quite varied, and that there is a lot more to it than I realize. Like, how I can make art, write, program computers, have a partner from another country who sings opera, dress up like a giant animal and entertain people, the places I’ve worked, the things I’ve done. I should remember some of these things and how not-really-average they are when I feel down or that my life is empty sometimes. I just don’t generally think of my life or my experiences of it as necessarily that unusual or special, mainly because I don’t have a tendency to necessarily think I’m that special. It’s not that I don’t value myself, as I’ve been getting much better about that through reading Seth. It’s just that I don’t really place myself ‘above’ or in a position as ‘different’ than other people in my mind. I just think we’re all human, and we’re all different.
That reminds me briefly of a classmate Maus had an argument with once. At the end of the argument, it was online, he sent a message to Maus where he basically exploded. It was a hot mess! At one point in the message he said that he though I was ’empty seeming’, as Maus had painted him being (that he was not genuine with people). I just laughed. But it reminded me of how far off people can be when they think about other people. I never even talked to this person really, now that I think about it, ever.
I’ve started to read some books on writing, to try to kick my brain back in gear creatively, so I can do something I’ve been trying to do for a while: write. I know I posted Poochie Cures Cancer entries before, but I’ve decided to go back to it and start adjusting it and making some improvements as well as continue to write it. I’ll call it Poochie Cures Cancer Remastered. It’s funny in itself because there was never really a Poochie Cures Cancer un-mastered. But this fits in with the spirit of the piece almost too perfectly.
Maus and I have talked about what classes I’ll take next semester. I told him I wasn’t too keen at the moment on taking Drawing IV (the mos advanced drawing class at the college), because I knew I’d have to work with color pastels again (which I hate) and because I think she’d have me put on a gallery. Well, to have enough cohesive work for a gallery will require quite a bit of work. I just don’t know if I’m interested in tackling the pastels again and having a gallery. I’m thinking that I’ll take Conversational Spanish II and a creative writing class.
So, hopefully I’ll get some good pictures tomorrow!