I previously wrote about being more focused. Particularly more focused on exactly what I want.
However, it’s not as easy as it might seem. I’m still having trouble focusing in on exactly what it is I want in my life. I think, “Oh, that’d be nice.” or “I have a general idea for something cool…” but then, I blank out again.
This is really getting frustrating, this block. I think it’s anxiety because it seems to hit every day at 3:00 to 4:00, and so, under doctor care, I take a temporary anti-anxiety medication. That works, kind of, but ultimately, it’d be nice to be able to hone my activity towards a particular goal.
For example, I have developed a couple virtual worlds for my own personal use. One is 3D and one is text based. I’ve invited a few people, and one of them asked me, after I said they could do whatever they wanted, “What do YOU want here?” And… I didn’t really have an answer.
I was watching Maus on Second Life for a brief moment. He was visiting an old museum of a cruise ship that used to be a big Second Life hangout. Last night, I sat on the couch and thought of all the opportunities we missed. What I mean by that was that at one point we were trying to make a living off Second Life, and we were gung-ho too! We had a product line we were working on, and stores we were making. We even got interviewed by a famous Second Life talk show. Then… kaput, we just kind of drifted off and stopped.
We even had a commercial:
Or the The New Objectivist Institute of Second Life. That place had a lot of potential for some cool things, and we may bring it back, possibly, maybe. The difficulty is that it attracted a lot of people who, as it seems the universe would have it, were kind of odd and jerky. It seems most vocal Objectivists fall into one of these two categories, I don’t get it. But anyway, we had a meeting at the very beginning about how we were going to manage the institute. This one woman, I can’t remember her name, suggested we found a board, giving up control to a small group of people. I said, “Well, too bad,” wanting to retain control for myself and Maus. That was kind of the end. I should’ve let go and let people get involved.
Now… I’m just kind of a solo little guy. I really don’t have too many people both in real life, and online, that I hang around. I joined the Computer Science Club at the local community college, and that hopefully will open up my social circles a little bit.
I spend a lot of time just kind of day dreaming away. Unfortunately, they’re not always very specific day dreams. Otherwise, I’d just follow those, ha.
I’ve realized the importance of taking time to meditate on your own life, not just thinking about your life until you fall asleep in a half-dazed self-loathing stupor, but actually sitting down and deliberately meditating. Being careful what you say to yourself.
I’ve traded in self-deprecation for self-affirmation, so that’s a good start. I meditate on my life and imagine it being wonderful, accomplishing what I want (whatever vague thing that is), and I try to be grateful for what I have and what I want to come to me. This is a little better than thinking down the same tired paths for my invention that I’ve been doing for months now every night (with no results I might add).
Every time I think of something like, “I can’t do this,” or “Nobody’s going to want that,” I try to stop and say, “That’s bullshit, just envision yourself doing it, put your best person forward, and everything will find a way to take care of itself.”
Upon realizing some of these revelations in the last week, I’ve been more motivated to do some things. I’ve been a terrible housewife the last three weeks, but that’s going to change. We’re going to eat out less, do laundry on a sane or regular time schedule, clean the rat cage more regularly, and just keep stuff up like a meal plan. That’s a tall order, but I think it’s doable.
This came to light a little bit because yesterday would’ve been awesome to fursuit, but I was too busy cleaning the rat cage and putting stuff together in my life.
One of the things I want to focus on is to do something other than sleeping. I’m oversleeping and it’s a head ache. I told my mother yesterday or so, that I should replace my habit of over sleeping, ’cause that’s what it is: a habit, with doing something productive. Like, I could clean and tend to the apartment every morning instead of sleeping.
Part of the problem is this strange feeling of totally immobility. And I don’t just mean physically. I think about sitting down at my computer battle station during the day and suddenly get a huge anxiety filled feeling of, “What am I going to do there?” Or, I think, I’m going to read this book, and I can viscerally feel this obstinate feeling of, “Nah, I don’t want to do that, not enough time.” Or, for instance, I’m going to play this game, “Nah, I don’t want to switch gears, I can’t focus.”
Asher, you don’t need to clear five or six hours of your life to read a book, there is more than one day in your life.
It’s still this way even when I’ve discovered that if I do things in smaller segments, I can actually do more things than if I sit down and do each one for five hours at a time. I don’t know what the deal is.
I did accomplish one thing so far. It’s not ready for advertisers, but the Furry URL Shortening site I was working on a long time ago and forgot is now up and running. You can advertise if you contact me, but I’m going to program an advertising system that’ll let more things about it be automated. The idea is that it’ll operate off advertising and subscriptions ($3 / mo. gets you some extra features and eliminates the advertising). I was thinking, if I can get my good friend Roo to make the graphics, I’d give him 15%, I’d give Original Pursuits Society 15%, and then I’d put 70% towards the furthering of the site and other endeavors.
The Furry Url Shortening site can be found at frbt.co
I want to get some graphics on there, like a little robotic Kadar or something cool like that. Unfortunately Roo is pretty busy, but that’s okay, I still have to program the advertising system I guess.
One of my goals is to make approximately $425 a month extra income. I won’t disclose all the details here, but I have a very small income every month, Maus picks up a lot of the difference right now. And that’s okay, Maus and I knew this was the situation when we got married, so there’s no real surprise.
I’m hoping that various things I can commit myself to do may help bring in more money towards that cause.
I’m trying to really focus on that as my primary goal, but the problem is, there are so many ways that money can come in, particularly if it’s coming in from more than one source.
So… it’s a little bit back to square one, but having traversed the board…
If I’ve passed go… do I get $100?