Poochie Cures Cancer HD: Shocking Proportions!
The continuing adventures of a surfing rapping ninja hippy dog from space…
Poochie Cures Cancer (HD)
Michelangelo thought he heard a noise somewhere near a venitlation shaft vent that was actually a garbage receptacle, “Heeeee….. 5 6  8 9 ………. eeeeEELP!!!” What do you think it is? I don’t know, so Michelangelo decided to find out for himself and poked his head into the hole in the wall, not knowing what could be on the other side for him to face, and face hardly. Inside he say something sparkly amidst a pile of icky rubble. It shined for a moment, then faded away, then flipped on its side, and travelled backwards and landed in a hand sticking out of the trashy carnage, which then flipped the crystal ball back and forth over the tip of it’s hand. Someone is alive in there! Michelangelo dove into the trash room, only to discover to late that it was a large trash compacter and it was compacting the trash, and soon they would have a Michelangelo sandwhich! He surfed on his half-shell over to the where the hand was and bent down to pull it up. Out came someone familiar, “Why, it’s Goblin King Jareth!!??!? What are you doing HERE???”
“Whew” went the Goblin King, “Times are bad.”
“What do you mean? What’s going on?” The turtle shook David Bowie’s sexy shoulders.
*WHEW* went the Goblin King, “Times are bad.”
Meanwhile, Poochie had already set his missles on about six other countries, two of which had already broken alliances with each other, while he had betrayed one behind his back by telling Loksher that Skordokott had betrayed Kendra. It was going well it seemed, he was all over the bored. HAL had been playing well, covering his communist interests blindly protecting the people with the people that didn’t matter, and had set 15 more missles than his oblong nosed friend. He didn’t keep friends long, times were hard after all.
Michelangelo looked up at the distant hole in the ceiling, with no way to climb up it seemed.
“There’s no way to climb up it seems!” The turtle yelled into David Bowie’s sexy goblin ear.
“Whew” went the Goblin King, “Times are bad.”
GODDAMMIT went Michelangelo almost cracking his shell, “Snap out of it woman! Get yourself together!”
Suddenly a light from beyond the stage lit up his face as a tech took away the colored paper, and an idea lit up in his eyes, “I know!” He took a few steps forward, Did you nkow, that, you remind of the babe?
Michealangelo stepped back, an odd expression on his face, “What babe?”
“The Babe with the power
Michelangelo arched his eye, he didn’t know if he had seconds for this, “What Power?”
“The power of voodoo…”
By now it was a compulsion, it was if there was some force from within him, some hand drawing him out millisecond by millisecond, “Who do?”
“Remind me of the babe!” Before the turtle knew what was happening, weird creatures were coming out of the metalworks and hopping up and down carrying Baby Herman around… they were tribbles!! They baby squalled in a fifties cigar smoke voice, “What the hell am I doing HERE!?”
Before long Michelangelo was ninja clapping and jumping, “Jump magic jump! Jump magic jump!” They were jumping, they were getting higher and higher, and soon, with one backflip out, they floated on out of the garbage compacter, leaving the tribbles and Baby Herman behind.
“Yays!” They kissed and congratulated each other, “We’re best friends now!”
“Michelangelo put his hands on his shellhips, “Yo, Goblin Dude, how’d you end up as almost Goblin Left Overs?”
*SIGH* went the Goblin King, “Times are…” He saw Michelangelo get that look in his eyes again and his hand raise up, “I mean, I mean… well, times ARE bad. After the movie, things were going great but they started to decline when computers came on the scene. I mean, those kinds of movies, MY kind of movie… where are they now? A creature shop isn’t a creature shop without plaster, latex, foam, servos… now it’s just render farms as far as the eye can see….” HE slumped forward, “I mean, it was okay, I still had the franchise. I’d get hit up for revivals, my memorabilia would sell on e-bay, I had guest appearances at a few conventions, but eventually the checks just stopped coming in. Websites abounded glorifying all that is the Goblin King, but now they are lost to the late nineties before the dot-com bust. I’m just a washed up luddite random turtle Michelangelo I’ve never met before, now it’s all social networking, and all I’ve got is smoke, crystal balls, and teenage psychology.” Eventually, “It was like I was forgotten in an oubliette somewhere, and could never find the door, adrift in cyberspace along with the ilks of Gmork, Goonies, Falcor, Atreyu… it’s not fair! I’m much more sexy than them. Now all I have is abandonware and a bad totally unlicensed unrelated boardgame that you can only find at the goodwill when you’re lucky… or Borders, same dozen.”
Michelangelo bent forward putting his hand on the David Bowies Sparkly Shoulder, “Hey dude, cowabunga!” The King Blinked, and a guitar riff sounded. “It sounds to me like you need a friend, and not just any friend… a whole lot of friends. You need to surrund yourself with as many people as possible, to fill that hole inside, and that’s exactly what i’m on a mission to do… that is to fill Irma’s hole with as many friends as possible until she bursts with friendship. Me and the little dog too, we’re all going to the Worldwhide Friendship Club… it’s universal.. it’s even, intergalacticizzle dude. Isn’t that gnarly!?”
“Yeah Dude Gnarly!?” David Bowie jammed on his air guitar, “Let’s go get some ice cream.”
The Ninja Turtle put his hand out, “Whoah there dude-king-from-a-peristaltic-dimension-found-in-every-teenage-girls-head slow down there for a second.”
“Demesne! You got my ears all a frizzle,” “Did somebody say frizzle ca-lizzle!?” “What are you doing here?” “What are YOU doing here?” “I asked first,” Like no you didn’t, “Yes I did!?” “What are you DOING HERE?” You have a big head, “You’re a talking dog!” “Yeah? While teenager girls pined after you, I was K-Fed’s childhood hero!” It was a big fight.
Chapter 4 – Do the D.A.N.C.E. Stick to the B.E.A.T.
“Where’d you come from?” The turtle posed the postulate.
“Oh I decided to take a break from Global Thermonuclear War to come see where you guys were tailing to, but then I sha-lizzle had my hippy sensors go off and I knew that someone neede my skate punk hippy rapster skillz soulja boy. How could I resizzle when a foxy lady is in need?”
The Goblin King Smiled, *PERKS UP HIS EYES* “Maybe some things are good when their hard.”
HAL chimed in, “I’m ready for your next move Poochie… oh hi Jareth, what happened to you?”
The Goblin King AKA DAVID BOWIE AKA hot dude fluttered his eyes and then rolled them up and to the side and then down, like people usually roll their eyes, but when he did it even Michelangelo was attracted, like a magnet, to metal, on a refrigerator, he was cool like that, sparkly and fantastic, amazing.
Somewhere out there in the dark recesses of the outer crevices of guantanamo bay, where the terrorists are, sat our boy wonder Ash Ketchum… He was broken open, like a pokeball, washed up not down, he had ketchumed ’em all and had finally learned the hard way that power is nothing without control, b now he had made love to the concrete and was fully terrorized by the interroristigators. He couldn’t make cents from it all, unable to bamboocha.
They dragged him into the recessive interroristigation confinement unit. “Alright kid! Quit talking back. You’re not dumb. You can choose smart, it’s the pentelligent choice!”
It seemed it had all started when he let his ol’ pal go, his bestest best friend of shocking proportions for a reason in his past that he couldn’t remember… it was dark and a hard to see place. He knew that they wanted him for blowing up some house somewhere, he said he was in a conspiracy against old ladies, but he just couldn’t understanmd.
AT the mess hall, the other terrorists made fun of him. One day they had eggs and hasbrowns, and when he went to pour the ketchup on his food, a pile of gray soot fell out. It was Ash Ketchup they said…. Ash Ketchup1!!1 Then it was the poké-this and poké-that… someday he’d pokéthem! Then, they’d avoid him on the grounds, and he’d chase after them… lonely and afraid, and it was all taunts like “You can’ta ketchemup to us allah!”
Then everything changed when the bay was breached, , sirens were blaring and dogs were barking. There were some gunshots and then an extraordinary woman wearing a fur coat burst into his cell, “Ash, I’m here to break you out, you’re my only hope.”
“Really?” Ash cried.
“Really!?” Ash jumped, a dazzle of colors flying behind him in the background.
“Uh-huh.” The strikingly mysterious woman blinked.
She grabbed his hands, “This’ll take too long to explain, I must get you out of here because I want you to dominate me, I mean, to… oh never mind, come on!”
And with that Dagny grabbed clasped the young boys hand in her powerful train like hand and they were off, running through the grounds, past gunfire, barely escaping the hounds, all the while her jewelry was tinkling. Ash was confazlatized with this woman, “You broke in here with your family jewels?”
“Of course not, I did it with this!” They hopped onto a giant train whose tracks ended about 25 feet from the entrance to the compound.
“But, the water, how?” He had a puzzle within him. She blinked “Easy, I can build anything I want when someone else is writing the story.”
That’s amazing, if only I had thought about that before, Ash thought inside of his head to himself. “I know, it would’ve been a lot easier,” Dagny said.
After some time in the train, Ash realized that nobody else at all seemed to be anywhere at all as if the train was empty or something. Dangy had been looking out the window into the vast expanse of ocean as the train raced by, her angular profile angling it’s way into his mind and heart. AFter a long pause that seemed like 3.5 horus he asked her angular angles of anglation “Sowhere are you taking me, why did you rescue me?”
SHe turned to fasce him, her Weatherwax gaze piercing him as if they are saying, “If I’m looking at you, you better be interesting.”
“I am interesting, I think, well, uh…” Ash gulped.
“Ash, I’m on a mission here from the highest authority. I won’t lie to you, but be intellectually honest with you, the world around you has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.”
He stared into her spheres and then opened the window at the approaching shore, he couldn’t handle this, she grabbed his arm, “Ash, look down there. You’ve already been down that road… do you want to go there again, or follow me?”
He looked at her incredulously, is she crazy girl? She turned to him, “No, I’m immune to that kind of crazy, I’m an Objectivist.” He felt this strange compulsion to go with her, as if something in his past that he couldn’t remember was telling him to move onwards. It was as if he had known this woman before, in a time not so long ago that wasn’t as complicated then, a time of innocence. But those days were behind him, not in front of him, and he had to remember that he couldn’t remember those vast expanses of peace that he once knew in that promised place.
She pulled this evil looking machine out of her coat and held it up to Ash, “You’re bugged, we have to get it out of you.” He glanced at the machine and gulped, “Not with that thing you aren’t!” “Oh yes I am! Come on take it like a man!”
She overpowered him easily with her longer legs, and higher stature, and all the fur and jewels and blindyness, it was too much for him. She held the machine up to his stomach, and while he was flailing she pinpointed and targeted the beast and ripped it out through his navel. All the while she was screaming something mysterious about some guy named Hank.
“After a slimy piece of something gooey and alive jerked around and then died inside the metal arm, she got up and wiped her hand across her forehead, “See that wasn’t so hard was it? You look like you kind of liked it.”
Ash’s lower lip quivered, he had never felt so violated in his life, so raped, so dominated, SO TURNED ON!!!!11!1!!1!OMGFWTFBBQQQQ
Dagny tilted her face to the side and gave a slight grin, “Heh, don’t kid yourself kid, not yet, not until you show your worth you know. I’m not just going to love you because you’re alive you know.”
Dammit, it’s like she can read all of my thoughts, how does she do that! She turned ot face him, “I can show you my secret, how I can know what you are thinkign. But you have to follow me, you have a difficult choice to make ahead of you.”
Pikachu poked out of his pocket and aexploded out of his pokéball, “PIKAAACHUUUUU!!!!!”
Written by Asher Wolfstein
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